


If Morning Never Comes

by dharmadown



Category: Tegan and Sara - Fandom, quincest - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-12 02:56:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4462853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dharmadown/pseuds/dharmadown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when someone finds out about Tegan and Sara's hidden love afair?</p><p>(I wrote this during the Oscar season, so the events taking place will be days before, during and after the ceremony)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**TEGAN**

It's unfair how Sara is always the first one to get up after we make love. It's as if nothing happened. For the past couple of months, it seems like our little "escapade" is starting to get into her conscience. 

come on, after 20 years of fucking around she suddenly thinks this is not right?

_Bullshit._

"I'm just tired from writing, and the demos don't always come out right." she would say. I'll nod and just give her a kiss in the forehead and say "Okay", taking in her reason like I never think of what the real reasons are. Something's up, I can tell.

I pull my duvet over to cover my bare body-- she didn't even bother to keep me warm after fucking the hell out of me-- I curl up and twist my stomach, trying to shake away the thought of having sex with my sister. It always feels good while we're at it, but at the end of it, I always feel like we're betraying the world. 

Many times I threatened Sara of coming clean to everyone, it always works when she suddenly decides she doesn't want "do it" with me. But it's more than just the sex. 

We never really talked about this; how it works, how often should we do it, and how much we need to give to eachother. For several years, it comes up as a routine, and it's already a normal thing for us. So I don't know why it suddenly pains me to see Sara walk away everytime she's done with me. 

I try to look over her way through the open door from my bedroom; she's leaning over the study, her naked flawless body shone as the moonlight passes through the slits of the curtain. 

I couldn't help but sigh at my misfortune. 

_How can the love of my life be my own sister?_

Sara moved a hand, lifting the bottle of Jack that's resting on the study, and drinking right from it. It made me jerk, and I almost sat up. 

But I decided against running over to Sara and pull that bottle away from her. 

She's going through something. I told myself over and over as I watch her consume half of the small bottle in just one standing. Just as Sara looked as if she couldn't drink anymore, she puts the cap back on and walks away. 

I tried to push my body further into the curl until it hurts, and just breathed through the warm duvet, trying my hardest to stop myself from crying. I hate seeing her like that especially when she's with me.

I'm supposed to make her feel better-- I'm her escape. Or at least that's what it's like for me.

I closed my eyes shut as tight as I can, so I can sleep this through-- so when I wake up and Sara is gone for the day, we can start the day over being busy with the song writing. I don't mind drowning myself with work-- that's all I can do to keep my head above water for now. 

I need Sara to open up to me, we're not kids anymore and I can't help but worry and be afraid of why she's acting like this. 

"I'm going out." She said loudly from outside the bedroom.

I panicked. 

I quickly pulled myself off the bed, and ran quickly as I can towards the living room, still in my bare skin; but I was too late. Sara already shut the door from outside.

"where the fuck is she going?" I asked myself. 

again, all I could do was let out a sigh. I felt a heavy weight in my head and I just wanted to cry my eyes out. 

_did I do anything wrong?_

did I not fuck her the way she wanted? 

did I say anything that fired her up?

what the fuck did I do?

It's always my fault, it's like I can't blame anything else for causing her to feel bad about everything because she's not telling me anything. I wanted to run back to the bedroom and get dressed to run after her-- but I don't want to do anything to repel Sara. She wanted to leave, then I'm leaving her alone. 

\-----------------------

"Tegan.. Tegan.. wake up.." Someone shook me from my sleep. "What are you doing here in the couch? Get back in the bed." I opened my eyes as I try to hold my head. My head is throbbing. I fell asleep in the couch of our hotel room, probably from waiting for Sara and crying the whole time I sat there alone. 

"sorry. I was waiting for you to get back." I said as Sara hold my hand, helping me get up. 

"yeah, but you didn't have to. I just had a few beers at the bar. we ran out." yeah, like how can we not run out of beer? you've been drinking heavy every damn night you're in my hotel room. 

"are you okay?" I asked, sitting up on the couch. 

"yeah. I'm fine." she answered bluntly, probably sending me signals that she didn't want to talk about her problems now. 

"alright." I looked around as I get up; it was still dark and it seems like she's only been gone for a couple of minutes, but I checked our clock and it was already 3 in the morning. 

"you've been gone for 5 hours, how many bottles did you have?" I asked as I turn to Sara. 

she smirked, and shook her head. She didn't seem drunk to me though. 

"why do you care? what, you're mom now?" 

there goes her switch>

"I'm just asking. you don't have to answer it if you don't want to." I turned away from her and headed straight to the bedroom. I couldn't help but stare at the bed as I pull the blanket away from my spot. I'm starting to regret that I booked this room-- it makes me feel so alone everytime I have to lie in here on my own. 

I jumped into bed as I cover myself, still with nothing on. I don't really want to talk to Sara anymore for tonight, or it will just ruin my whole day later on. 

"I'm sorry." I heard Sara say behind me as I feel her weight on the other side of the bed. 

"it's alright" I said as drowsily as I could. 

"don't sleep on me." Sara said, sounding all demanding. 

I didn't answer. 

"I said don't sleep on me." she said once more. 

I still didn't give her an answer. 

"Fuck, Tegan can you stay awake for me just for another hour?" 

_an hour? really? so now you need me?_

I just laid on my side, not making a sound, my eyes closed, trying to stop the tears. 

But my eyes shot open when I heard Sara unzip her pants-- and then the image of her sound started playing in my head like a blurry recollection of her, undressing in front of me last night. 

"maybe this will wake you up." Sara said, pulling my hands.

"Sara what---" I said as she violently pulled me to face her. She knelt on the bed, pinning me in between her legs.

Sara closed in on top of me, our noses touching. "Please.." she said, closing her eyes and pursing her lips. "I need you to fuck me.. Tegan." 

I sighed and trembled, trying to resist Sara. 

She leaned over and kissed me; I can smell the liquor in her breath, and taste every bitter inch of her tongue. 

She's definitely drunk.

"don't cry.. I'm here now.." Sara said sweetly as she wipe my tears. 

"Do you really want me to fuck you now that you can barely feel anything?" I asked as I slip a hand between her legs. 

_Fuck_

My head went spinning as I feel her juice fill the tip of my fingers; she was wetter than I expected. 

"yes I do... don't be sad now.. please? will this make you feel better?" Sara said, moving her hips around as I feel the soft lips of her pussy kiss my fingers. 

"maybe I'll stay on top if you feel a little too tired, yeah?" she said breathily, as if wasting her last breath just to tell me those words.

I didn't respond. I just stared at her, dazed and firm as I follow her lead, stroking my hands up and down her clit. 

"I'll take that as a yes" her last words tonight as we both get lost in each other one more time.


	2. Chapter 2

**SARA**

Morning afters are always the most exhausting part of our alone time-- I always get up even before the alarm comes off, while Tegan sleeps through it. 

It's 7 am and I was already up, I had to get up early to remedy this hangover and my lack of sleep, so instead of closing my eyes back to dream land, I slowly remove Tegan's arms off me.

_how will I ever get enough of you?_

I terribly missed her while she was away at the Palm Springs with Kate, her new girlfriend; and I can't believe I'm making up for the lost time by guilt tripping her last night. I hate how she makes me feel jealous, I hate how she doesn't ask me what I want or what I need, I hate how we barely talk about this set up, I hate how it bothers me all the time when she's not texting me and she just doesn't care. Yet, on another one of our many nights together alone, I ended up forcing Tegan to have sex. 

It wasn't fun. 

I was fighting tears all the while she was making love to me last night and I couldn't help but feel this heavy weight of conscience inside my head.

I caressed Tegan's cheeks, giving her one last kiss before I get up, as softly as I can so as to not wake her up. I tried for so many years, to keep my hands off my twin (sometimes, literally), but everytime I try to pull away, something will always brings me back to her. She would threaten me everytime I stray, and I'd find a reason to come back, but either way, I can't hurt Tegan, as it hurts me just as much to see her in a bad place. 

\--

Shortly after I took a shower, I wrapped myself in a robe and headed to the kitchen to get some of the coffee I left brewing while I took a bath.

_Darn it_

I poured my coffee to my mug, realizing that I brewed more than I needed; I was so used to making coffee for 2, a cup for me and Stacy, forgetting that Tegan actually stopped drinking coffee ages ago. 

_Stacy_

All I could do was let out a sigh to the thought of Stacy. I hate it when she crosses my mind like this every damn time I wake up after a night with Tegan.

I've been lying to her all this time; she knows that I would only stay with Tegan overnight because we need to do some writing, and rarely did I ever bring her to Tegan's place, it was either I leave with Tegan or she stays with me and Stacy. Little did she know that we're actually screwing eachother behind her back. 

Ugh. Fuck my life. 

Now that Stacy's been assigned to LA, my worries kept stacking up. I don't know how I'll spend more time with Tegan without having to keep Stacy away to leave us alone, now I have to give her ridiculous excuses apart from writing and recording. I'm beginning to run out of good alibis and I'm afraid of how it would turn out if Stacy starts to suspect. Despite that, it's still a good thing that Kate is back to NY after her vacation with her in the palm springs-- it was just a good thing to know that we're one girl less to our lying game. 

"you're out with Stacy anyway, would you have the time to call or text me when you're busy in bed with you "girlfriend"?" 

I cringed and shook my head as I imagined what Tegan would say if she finds out that I was just as much of a jealous little prick as she is. 

She would be jealous of Stacy at most times, and I would also feel bad whenever she ignores me when she's with Kate, but I never really told her what I was feeling.I was scared. Scared that she might come back at me and tell me that we have our own lives and businesses to meddle with, and right now, I couldn't be anymore careful with what I say to Tegan, so I'd rather keep mum about it, what matters is that she's around. 

I need her beside me, and I can't afford to lose her like that. 

I kept my mug aside, and emptied the pitcher in the sink, thinking of how much fresh coffee and chances I wasted. 

I should have just told Tegan what I was feeling. I should not have worried her like I did last night. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------

After preparing a small breakfast for Tegan, I quickly scrambled through the luggage I left with her, choosing from a pile of boring sweater I have packed for our little "emergencies", finally picking up a brown one. 

_Fuck that._

I can't believe I'm wearing this to the Oscar press day.

"what are you doing?" Tegan said, killing the silence in the room; sending me to jerk in surprise, almost bumping into her suitcase stand where her laptop is on top of.

"you fuckin scared me!" I exclaimed as I hold on to my chest. 

"I'm sorry..why are you up so early" Tegan asked, scratching her eyes as she grabbed a huge shirt from the hamper and slipped into it. 

"Jesus Christ." I said, shaking my head as I also made my way inside my sweater. 

"we're fitting for Oscars in 30, so go get ready." I said, getting the pair of pants I threw on the floor last night. 

"fuck, that's today?" Tegan said, brushing her hair up, bristling through her outgrown microbangs. 

I hated them-- I don't know what's gotten into her, or maybe she was trying to relieve the SJ era or whatever, She looks kinda ridiculous, and I don't know how the stylist will play it up on her for the Oscars-- she chose the wrong time to be eccentric, she's just screwed. 

"alright, uhm.. did you see my towel?" she asked, "oh shit, now where's my phone?" she said, now scrambling through her drawer for her phone. 

I handed her over a new towel from the closet and just rolled my eyes from how disorganized she could get. 

"make it quick, driver's pulling over in 15." I said. I was busy trying to get good lighting for an oscar week selfie, when tegan came up to me and kissed me in the cheek before she hung the towel over her shoulder and ran for the showers.

"I'm gonna need more than that!" I said, following a glance on her. 

"I'll give you more tonight I promise!" she said before locking the door to the bathroom. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------

_TEGAN_

"are you meeting Stacy tonight?" I asked Sara as I scroll down updates on twitter.

"obviously.." Sara looked at the chauffeur, then shifted her looks towards me-- that guy better not be listening. 

"but I'm spending the day with you so don't be too upset about it." Sara said in an undertone. 

I cut my eyes at Sara and just smirked as I shake my head to the idea of feeling like I'm the mistress here. 

"Oh my God, Emy" Sara said all of a sudden, trying to stop herself from chuckling. 

"what's up?" I asked, resting my arms on the door handle. 

Sara reached her phone out to me and read our instagram notification.

_"such a fantastic face"_

I couldn't help but giggle and imagine fans going ballistic over this. I decided I want to reply but instead of tapping the photo, I accidentally tapped on the new message notification that popped up at the top. 

"oops." 

"what happened?" 

It was a message from Stacy. 

I suddenly felt my blood rise up to my head, and just wanted to throw the phone back to Sara, but the masochist in me wanted to snoop through my sister's inbox. 

"nothing.. I.. I pressed the wrong button." 

"well.. give me it. don't reply anymore, fans will stir shit up again if you do that." Sara has her hands reached out, while I was contemplating through the "I miss yous" and the "i love yous" on their conversation

"hang on I wanna see the other comments." I said, excusing myself, while I tilt the screen away from Sara. 

This is ridiculous, I shouldn't be doing this. 

My conscience couldn't really take invading her privacy like a creep, and besides the endearing exchange of messages, there was really nothing on there but them updating their whereabouts. With a little bit of guilt in me, I clicked on the homepage again and swiped through the apps and clicked on instagram to check the notifs one more time.

"What the fuck, Tegan stop reading my messages, I can see you from the window." Sara moved closer and snatched her phone away, slightly scratching my hand as she forcefully take it away. I realized the glass window reflected the screen.

"Jesus Christ, I accidentally clicked on the notification banner when it appeared at the top. what is your problem?" Sara just quietly sat back to her side of the back seat and remained quiet, her Jaws tighten as she ignore my alibi. 

_Stupid. Stupid. Inside my head, I was already hitting myself in embarrassment._

"For the record I didn't even get the chance to read it."

"shut up Tegan, I know you all too well." Sara just continued typing on her phone. 

"wow, okay. you read minds now?" I chuckled at her accusation.

"I said shut up! I don't wanna hear it, okay?" Sara was still busy on her phone, but a hand curled into a fist. I'm guessing she's really mad, I can't blame her really but that wasn't intentional, and I won't lie to her so I still don't get where this agitation is coming from.

"whatever." I'm just out for words, if she doesn't believe me then fine. I just shook my head in disbelief, plugged my earphones in and my wayfarers on and ignored the world as the chauffeur speed up to the green light. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

"I'll fucking wear anything, just go pick one for me." I crossed my arms as we walk around this LA designer's studio.

"seriously, if I pick a gown for you, you'll wear it for fucking real?" Sara held on to a bunch of garment bags, picking the ones out with her name tagged on it. "here's yours" she handed me 3 of the bags-- they were almost transparent and I can see the prints on the suits, and it was ridiculously too daring for my taste. 

"and can you remove your sun glasses? you want to know how you look in these properly, mind the lighting is fairly different too. do yourself a favor." 

I just stood there in front of Sara, chewing on my gum. I removed my sunglasses and slid it inside my jacket pocket. 

"thank you." I just love her sarcasm. 

"you're welcome, mom" but I'm better at it. 

"go try those on before I change my mind about the gown." 

"sure." I flashed a forced smile before Sara, and she just shook her head and left left for the dressing room. 

I stared at the suits, and just let out a 'what the fuck' in a tinge and gave the designer's assistant a fake smile. 

"ready?" she asked, clasping her hands together.

I just nodded, and followed her out. 

I hate dressing up for events, I really fucking do. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I love this." Sara said, pointing out my outfit from head to toe. 

"seriously?" I asked, my arms extended, showing her my outfit. "Don't I look a bit.. off?" 

Sara smiled and shook her head; "no, you look great." 

"I just want a plain black, or white or navy suit ensemble. but not... this." I stared at myself in the mirror inside the dressing room, feeling a little disgusted. I like the prints, it's just that.. it's too much for a formal event. 

"I look like a hobo who will go to crash a party for the first time in her life, not knowing what to wear, so she wore all her favorite clothes at once." 

"well you are an entertainer, and it is your first time to hit the red carpet for the Oscars. it's perfect. it's so you." 

"Sara, NO." I started removing the outfit one by one, when Sara stood by the door, with one shoulder resting on the wall, and her arms crossed. 

"I thought you'll wear anything?" Sara asked. 

"fuck off." I said, tucking the button-up out. 

"I don't know about that." the door knob clicked. "here, Let me help you." I looked up and saw that Sara actually locked the door to the dressing room. 

Sara slapped my hand off my collar and unbuttoned the shirt from my neck. 

She stared at me, unlatching the buttons one by one with ease while she look me right in the eye.

"thanks" I said, as I bow down and headed for my pants, feeling a little awkward with how close Sara was standing. 

"tegan?" Sara called. 

I slowly looked at her again, and apparently she was still staring at me.

"kiss me." 

_Jesus, Not here._

It felt a little heavy in the chest that she's asking me to kiss her inside this dressing room-- I wanted to-- but what if I get carried away? I don't want to leave this place with a throb in my cunt-- I need to let out if she starts. 

"I'm sorry about how I acted in the car."

When I didn't respond and just stood there frozen not knowing what to do, Sara held my bare waist, and my face with her other hand.

"I didn't mean to be rude."

_Is she gonna do this every single time we get on a fight?_

Sara slowly moved her face closer to mine, I remained speechless and motionless, but the moment our lips touched, I couldn't help but just give in to her apology. 

"I'm sorry" Sara mumbled through our kiss.

This is just really strange of Sara; it was almost bipolar, and it's worrying me at some point. Then again, who am I to complain? I'm liking this way better than having to sneak out with her once every 7 days and be casually sister-like for the rest of the week. 

"I'm sorry" Sara said one more time. "I'm sorry.. I'm sorry" and again. 

"hey.. hey.. Sar--I--" I slowly pulled away from the kiss, feeling a little weirded out.

"it's okay." I held Sara's face close; and tried to catch her glance, but I didn't expect seeing her tear up. "I'm not mad at you... and why are you crying?" I asked.

Sara just bit her lip, and removed my hands off her face. 

"nothing." Sara wiped her tears and slowly walked backwards, away from me. 

"come on, Sara... don't be like this. tell me what's wrong." I approached her, but Sara keeps on walking away, I tried reaching out and hold her hands but she just shook her head and persistently shoo me away. 

"I'm sorry. I'm okay..I'm just.." Sara breathed in, shaking her hands like she would whenever they go numb. "I guess I just need to get some rest, and I didn't really mean to shout at you like that. I'm sorry." Sara finally said, keeping her composure. 

"go get changed. we have a lot to do today." Sara added, turning her back on me, just as I was about to go over her to pull her back into my arms. 

I sighed and just said "okay."

I guess the alcohol and the lack of sleep is taking its toll on her, but I hope this won't have to happen often cause it's driving me nuts, and making me worry so much.

_This is not the Sara I know._


	3. Chapter 3

SARA

I ran out of the dressing room as quickly as I can, keeping my head down as I run over to the ladies room, avoiding anyone on the way. 

I locked myself inside a cubicle, hanging the garment bags on the hook, and as I closed the toilet seat with the tip of my DMs, tears starting to fall down again. 

_what the fuck is happening to me?_

I pulled some tissue off the dispenser and used it to wipe my tears and blow my nose, til the bathroom door swung open and I heard Tegan calling my name. 

"I'm here." I called from inside. 

"Open up." she said as I hear her footsteps. 

"I'll be out in a few, just wait for me at the gallery."

"no. I'm gonna wait for you here." Tegan insisted. 

"I said I'm okay, I'm just taking a piss." I said, fake flushing the toilet and pulling cover up with my shoe again. I don't know what's so hard to understand about me walking out on Tegan, I mean surely she knows that I don't want to be around her looking like this, but she's just so persistent, it's getting on my nerves. 

"hey.." I said as I open the cubicle door, getting the garment bags off the hook. 

"here.." Tegan handed a bottle of water. "you feeling okay?"

I nodded and smiled at Tegan as I twist the cap open. "where'd you get this?"

"I snatched it from the pantry on my way out." I noticed Tegan was still wearing the suit, ruggedly clenching the open shirt on her hands. 

"thanks.. but why are you still wearing that awful shit? go change." I then drank the water, nudging Tegan by the shoulder. 

"well what are you expecting? I didn't know what was running in your head. one minute you were undressing me, the next you're walking out on me." Tegan sqaid as she enter the cubicle, closing the door and locking it. 

"I know you're just tired, but don't let it out on me.. it's getting me stressed out too." 

"Sorry." I said "but don't ever run around a boutique looking like you just finished making out at the dressing room."

Tegan chuckled, "I just did, duh. But don't ever run away after making out with me like that, now my tummy's aching and I wanna just jack off to get me by." 

"you're disgusting" I said. But that didn't throw her off, she just giggled from inside, as I hear her zip up her pants

"don't deny it now, I know you like it dirty." Tegan said. 

_I'm not denying it._

"I do.. now please finish off before I can't help myself and finish 'YOU' off." 

Tegan then opened the cubicle, and came out fixing the suit and trousers back on its hanger. 

"I would love that." Tegan said, approaching me. "but I'd rather we do it in a much 'cleaner' place."

"preferably in your bed tonight yeah?" I asked as Tegan rest her hand over her shoulders as the garment bag hang over her back. 

"Yeah.." Tegan answered as she closed in on me.

Tegan then gave me a quick peck in lips and said "But please, don't ever walk out on me again."

"we'll see.." I said, smiling back at her.

\------------------------------------------------------------

**RED CARPET:**

I've puked twice today already. I almost messed up my outfit and my lipstick, and I'm really wishing I snatched one of those barf bags from my last plane ride and just kept it for occasions like this. I swear to God, the mints are just not doing me any justice. 

This past week was just extremly tiring and crazy, we practiced everyday, went to fittings three times until we decided on our outfits, and just tried our hardest to control our nerves. 

Mom flew in, which is, in a great advantage, would calm and ease our anxious little asses. But if we mess up and make a fool of ourselves, we're gonna embarrass her and our dates. 

"what's taking Tegan too long?" I asked Mom as I stride from one corner to another, while I wait at this hotel lobby for Tegan to come down. 

"the stylist texted me a few minutes ago and said she just finished her hair and they're on their way down."

"good good." I said as I shudder in nervousness, I couldn't stop my knees from trembling, and I wanted to just get this over with. 

"calm down Sara, you need to relax." Mom said, rubbing my arm.

I just smiled at her and and let out a sigh-- I am on the verge of crying, it's like all of it is suddenly dawning on me, and just wanted to back the fuck out. 

"I just hope we don't mess up." I said, trying my hardest not to touch my sleek-brushed bob. I'm itching to sweep some bangs that were out of place, but the hairspray was too strong it actually stayed in place. 

_I give up._

In an attempt to distract myself I took my phone out from my pocket and checked if there are any messages, and saw that Stacy's been bombarding me with messages and calls already; She wanted us to drive her down with us in the Limo, and I'm just not in the mood to pick a fight, so I ignored her.

I don't know if it's appropriate to go on a detour with a limo booked for us at the Oscars just so she can get in it with us, she's gonna be coming from the apartment and she just got off work, so it's not really an option, we're never early for events like this and sometimes I blame her vanity; it's ridiculous. 

However that it's almost a common knowledge that I would most likely be late for this, Tegan and I don't really want to be one of the first ones to come, it's almost embarrassing. 

My phone vibrated again, but this time it wasn't from Stacy, but from one of our publicist. I took a deep breath before I answered the call and tried to keep it normal so as to not come off as so nervous for this. 

"Hello?"

_Hi Sara, are you guys on your way? ___

"we're leaving in a minute, I'm literally at the hotel lobby waiting for Tegan's elevator to hit the ground"

_alright, cause press people have been sying to see you guys, you're not gonna believe it. Please tell call me when you're near the venue so we can prepare your ushers._

At that very moment, the elevator door dinged, and swung open, and there I saw Tegan, wearing the suit I picked for her, flashing a grin as she greet me and mom with a nod. I surveyed her as she step out, from her teasing chiffon quilt top, her curves peeking from the opening of her suit. I wanted to grab those waists, and just steal her away from the world. My jaw almost hit the floor upon seeing how made up she was for tonight, and I couldn't help but just be amazed.

_Sara? hey are you still there? hello?_

"oh shoot, sorry, Tegan just arrived, we're leaving now"

_okay.. we'll see you in a bit then, drive safely_

"alright see you." I didn't even bother ending the call myself, I just stared at Tegan at how beautiful she looked today. "you're looking dapper today, huh?" I greeted as we all go down to the drive way seperate from Mom, as body guards walk us out.

"so do you.." Tegan said still smiling and looking all impressed by me as I was with her. 

I held on the her arms and squeezed it as I follow her to the back seat, I just wanted to throw myself onto her and smother her with kisses. 

\------------------------------------------------------------

"Here we go.. are you ready?" Tegan asked me as the limo slowed down into the artist's entrance. 

"we were born ready for this Tee, I couldn't have thought of a better time for this." I said, breathing out as my heart pound hard from under my chest. 

"Me neither.. and by the way I can hear your heartbeat from here, it's crazy." Tegan said, fixing her collar as the chauffeur open the door for us. 

"oh my God." I said as the swarm of photographers and journalists welcome us from outside. Tegan was the first to get off, and I followed her right out; I was already so nervous for this, but it didn't prepare me for the number of people outside the barriers, screaming our name.

"what the actual fuck." Tegan murmured as we wave our hands to some of the people. 

"this is crazy." I said under my breath as we walk the carpet, our eyes still roaming around in disbelief. 

"Hi girls, please head this way for the red carpet," our publicist said. 

We just followed her around until we saw the whole crowd of artists and press people in the red carpet-- it was literally a pool of chaos. 

There were a lot of familiar faces and we couldn't help but feel star struck ourselves. 

"so I'll leave you girls here okay, press people will take over from here."

"Thanks!" we bid the crew, and were led by one of the press ushers to the photo wall

We walked along nervously, not saying another word but Oh my God or what the fuck; I would tug into Tegan's sleeve whenever I feel light headed, and she would do the same whenever I drift a few inches away. 

Familiar people greeted us, gave us hugs and kisses, but nothing prepared us for the rest of the people who would greet us-- I had no idea these famous people even know who we were, let alone know which one is Sara, and which one is Tegan-- it's too surreal. 

I was almost on the verge of tearing up, but borderline from barfing again, when Stacy finally found me in the crowd. "Here comes the ice queen." Tegan mumbled through her smile as we pose for another photo.

"shut up" I answered, as subtle as I could.

Once the photographer was done taking his shots, Stacy shyly waved at me from the other end of the Barrier. I waved my hand back and carefully walked against the flow of the crowd. 

"Thank God you're here." Stacy greeted, giving me a kiss on the cheek. 

"hi Stace." Tegan greeted, as Stacy gave her a cheek too. 

"Isn't this crazy?!" Stacy greeted. 

"yeah it is... I'm just... lost for words." 

"Yeah, I can imagine.. and by the way, you guys look so awesome today." Stacy said, looking at us from head to toe. 

"well you look really pretty today too. I love how you didn't put a lot of make up." Tegan said. 

_Keep your comments to yourself please_

I just wanted to pinch Tegan, and ask her to just shut up. 

"I agree" I said, eyeing Tegan suspiciously. SHe just gave me that fake smile of hers then looked away from us, as if trying to look for someone on the crowd. 

"alright, so I'll just go join Sonia and Kate at the lounge, I'll see you later.."

"oh yeah.. Kate.. I didn't know she was here.." said giving Tegan a sharp look;anyway.. I'll see you later." I then closed in on Stacy and gave her quick peck in the lips as I rub her back, looking back at Tegan as she glare at us. 

_Take that._

\------------------------------------------------------------

**TEGAN**

"wow Tegan, that's just so uncalled for, I don't even know what to say to you right now.." Sara said as she walk out towards the hall from the backstage after we greeted Liz. 

"Really? you're gonna get mad at me cause of that?" I'll admit that I didn't tell her in purpose, so as to not spoil whatever moment we had alone after my vacation, despite the really busy schedule the whole week. 

"call me shallow but at least I had the courtesy to tell you I'm inviting Stacy with us." Sara said without even pausing from her quick stroll, out to the main hall. 

"I'm sorry, okay?" I said, finally making Sara stop from walking out on me. 

"do you, in all honesty, think that I won't mind?" Sara asked as quietly as she could, against the crowd of people walking around us. 

I sighed, starting to feel worried from making her mad again. Eyes were starting to fall on us as we block the middle of the narrow hallway. 

"yes.. I'm sorry if I made you upset, I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I just don't want to feel alone while you share this 'precious' moment with your girlfriend, okay?" 

I know mom is around to make me feel better, but I need Sara to feel that I can't just let her get her way with Stacy while I get none for myself. 

Sara just turned away as she shook her head, and all the while we were approaching our seats, I've been trying to pull Sara aside, trying to call her out as calmly as I can, but she just won't respond to me at all, and just ignore me through it. 

This is supposed to be a good day for me and Sara, and I blame myself for ruining an almost perfect day for us. I knew all along that Stacy is coming-- there's just no way she's not coming with us for this. But for her not to understand that I had to invite Kate too, was just childish in my opinion. 

We got into our seats for the opening ceremony, trying our hardest to conceal our "distress" to each other, if I can call it that. I almost felt like giving up on Sara today, she's just so hard to decypher these days and I don't know what's triggering her anger, it's like everything I do upsets her.

"are you okay?" Kate asked as she take a hold of my cold, sweaty hand from the arm rest.

I gave her a smile as she kept my hand warm and held her hand back. 

"I'm dead nervous, hun." I shook my head. "I'm still not believing this." 

Kate smiled back at me; "you're gonna do just fine, I'm sure.." she said. 

I just sighed; not knowing how to react when she doesnt even know why I"m feeling all this anxiety on me.

\----------------------------------------------------------

_fuck, fuck, fuck._

I think I'm gonna need a brown paper bag. I'm hyperventilating. I need fresh air. 

I was just at one corner backstage, trying to remove my gold zebra print suit before we hit the stage. 

I can't believe this is happening. 

We were sent up to the platform along with The Lonely Island, sent us good wishes for the performance and took last deep breaths. Sara stood right next to me as she held her mic through the stand, bowing down and biting lip as she flick her fingers. 

Without thinking if I'll get called out for doing so, with these many people in front of us, I quickly held Sara's free hand. 

She jerked and looked up at me as she try to pull her hand away, but I held on it tighter, clutching her fingers between mine. 

"I am so sorry, Sara." I said, as quietly as I can. 

From the dim spotlights of the stage, I can see Sara's face look down at our hands. She sighed and relaxed herself to my touch and just squeezed my hand softly. 

"It's okay.." she sighed again. "I'm sorry too." 

I smiled at Sara. 

"goodluck.." I said. 

"Don't dork out.. PLEASE." she said. 

"can't promise you that. But don't act like you're trying to stop yourself from peeing." I said, trying to keep a laugh in. 

"Fuck you" Sara said, giggling

And as soon as Felicity Jones got up on stage, I felt as if my stomach is going to drop, and with her starting her presentation, I just took one last breath, nodding at Sara and holding on to our mics hoping that we don't fuck this opportunity up in front of everyone in this planet.

\----------------------------------------------------------

My head was still spinning as I catch my breath from singing and moving around the stage tonight, I grabbed on to Sara as we walk down the stairs to the backstage, trying my hardest not to tumble over. 

"that was so. fucking. unbelievable." I said trying to control my trembling voice. 

"I still can't believe we just did that either. ugh" Sara's voice was trembling too, but I was sort of distracted by how the right curves on her body was bouncing along as she quickly get off the stairs with me. I shook the idea off, as I try not to objectify my sister in the wrong place, _again._

"That, was wild!!!" Liz greeted us backstage right after the performance. 

Sara and I stepped down the landing of the stairs from the stage and gave Sara another arm over her shoulder, I just wanted to kiss her and hug her after that exhilirating performance. 

"I know! jesus, I'm in a fucking trance right now." Sara said, her hands still clutched in a fist.

I honestly couldn't get the smile off my face too, this was just all too awesome.

"Great performance, you girls are so amazing on stage, thank you so much for doing this with us." Andy said, reaching out to me and Sara. We gave him a hug, joined by Akiva and Jorma, pulling LIz in for the group hug. 

Call me cheesy, but I just couldn't help myself anymore, and gave Sara another hug and swept my lips over her cheeks for a small kiss that I've been dying to give her since this morning. 

Sara narrowed her eye on me as I quickly moved away, and gave me a smile, as I bit my lip all the while I was trying my hardest not to make out with her around these people. 

I'm sure she knows how gorgeous I think she looks tonight-- actually each and every night for the past 18 years we've figured there was something more to this relationship than being twins-- Sara knows how much I adore her, she knows it all, she knows me all too well. 

With that realization in the middle of this small celebration; I found myself thinking to myself, frowning as everyone else jumped in joy, that despite Sara knowing how much she means to me, no matter how much we achieve in this business together, no matter how bonded we are to each other, Sara will come home to another girl at the end of the day.

_I can never call her mine._


	4. Chapter 4

**SARA:**

After the ceremony, we all attended the governor's ball. Mom decided to call it a night, so she went ahead of us to her hotel room, leaving me, Tegan, Stacy and Kate join the rest of the attendees. 

I can't believe we're actually rubbing elbows with all these celebrities and the most talented people in Hollywood, it was still surreal even after hours of sitting in a theater with all of them. 

Liz and Rachael kept us company as we all drink wine and eat our hearts out to Wolfgang Puck's dishes, and it was just divine. The golden Oscars chocolate was surprisingly good, despite feeling a little uneasy eating a miniature of the gold statue, while it was sort of a mind opening experience to taste some stuff that I would normally ignore in the menu of a restaurant. 

After dinner, we all hit the small social circle and went around with wine glasses, chatting it up with some of the other guests. 

In the middle of it all, I noticed how Tegan and Kate were always away from the crowd; I know how Tegan feels about outing her to the public by bringing her to the Oscars, but that will totally defeat her purpose. I wanted to celebrate with Tegan, I wanted to share this with her but she's not giving ourselves credit for the achievement we just earned tonight. 

I drank, and drank till I run out of reasons to drink more than I'm supposed to, leaving Stacy in a really bad position as we all try to get ourselves to act normal in this unlikely event. I can't feel a thing. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**TEGAN:**

"I wanna go home with you tonight." Were all that came out of Sara's mouth all the while we were inside the ladies' room, as she tried to let out every bit of alcohol she consumed for the past hour. 

"Stacy will bring you home, okay? You’re drunk." I said, trying to fight myself over this. 

"No.I'm spending this night with YOU." Sara pushed a finger on my chest, insisting that she's going to win this 'sobriety' test.

"Come on. We're not doing this here, OKAY?" I said in an undertone as I hear someone from outside the cubicle enter the ladies' room. 

"Tegan, why did you do that?" Sara asked, looking up at me as she was kneeling in front of the toilet. 

"did what?!" I asked her in a whisper-- I was feeling kind of irritated of Sara and I don't want to talk about it like this outside the comfort of our own escape. 

"kiss me and then drift away like I disgust you." 

_so she noticed._

Sara looked like she was about to cry, and it made me feel bad about getting lost in my head to reality when I decided to kiss her after the performance. I can't blame her, but I don't blame myself either-- it was both our fault in the first place, and to have the "talk" inside a ladies room during the Oscar's governor ball is the last place I'd choose to do this in. 

"No.. No.." I knelt and quickly pulled Sara in my arms. "you don't disgust me okay.. I.. I adore you, and this is the last thing I wanted you to feel about yourself. But please let's go back out there and just celebrate." 

"well.." Sara's voice was breaking. "that isn't the case, isn't it? you're going out there and will celebrate with your girlfriend and leave me with Stacy"

I shook my head and just held Sara close to me. "do you really want to come home with me?" I asked her. I wanted to bring her home, more than anything else, but I can't because we have everyone else watching us tonight, our girlfriends, our friends, and my mom is just a few rooms away from us and I don't want to risk getting caught.

Sara looked up at me and just nodded, without saying a word-- still looking like she was about to break down. God, if we can just escape all of this right now, I'd run away with you. 

"alright.. let's just get this over with in a few and then we'll leave.. okay?" Sara nodded again and gave off a smile like a kid. "come on.." I said helping her get up from the floor. Sara swayed and almost fell back again, but I caught her just in time before she hit her knees to the toilet. 

"be careful.." I said as I lift her up one more time, Sara slipping her hands over my shoulders and holding on tighter. 

\------

We got back to my hotel after the Governor's ball, leaving Kate and Stacy to stay together in Stacy's apartment-- surprisingly they didn't contest when we said we wanted some "sister time"; I was trembling the whole time I was asking Stacy and all she did was nod and smile at me. Kate was okay with it too, but I can feel something was off about it since she kept herself quiet at one point and just decided not to talk to me til we left.

"What did Kate say when you said we're leaving?" Sara asked, as she sit on my bed to remove her shoes. 

"she just crossed her arms nodded and smiled." I said, removing my coat. 

"that's so weird." Sara lied on her back, stretching her arms up as she close her eyes. 

"I'm taking a shower, you wanna come join me?" I asked Sara. This is our night-- Sara and I are supposed to enjoy this without having to worry about our girlfriends, or mom-- I smiled as Sara open her eyes and look up at me so eagerly to get up and come over to me. 

Sara got up and quickly walked towards me, lifting her hands and grabbing me by my waist as she hold her face close to mine. 

"why yes, I'd love that." Sara slowly closed the space in between us and gave me a soft, warm kiss in the lips, while I carefully unzip her dress from her collar. 

Sara's hands found their way down to my pants and also unzipped them, letting out my tucked top. She got to the hems and pulled away from the kiss, lifting my shirt.

stripping down was always our favorite part, it's like a game of who gets to first undress the other, that one gets to be on top; sometimes I would let her win cause I just love how she takes over me whenever she feels really hot-- nothing is more sexy than Sara being dominant in bed-- but the satisfaction I get when Sara submits to me is something else, it just blows my mind. 

As soon as I lifted my arms to remove my top, Sara quickly unclasped my bra; letting out an impatient sigh as she quickly try to remove it. I threw my top on the floor and helped myself out of my straps, sending Sara to smile and bite her lip. 

"Hi there babies." she said, grazing at my bare chest, as she slip her hands softly over them. 

I couldn't help but moan to Sara's touch-- but laugh at the same time by how we call our boobs. She used to call them little ones, but they weren't really anything close to "little" so she started calling them babies instead. It was ridiculous but it makes it easy for us to talk about our privates when someone's around; "those babies are so adorable, I couldn't really stop kissing them." 

"I agree, their cheeks are so chubby and red, ugh. they look like angels." and then people think we're talking about our friends' babies. Genius. 

"that tickles." I said as Sara started carefully rubbing my nipples. 

"yeah?" Sara asked, pushing me towards the bathroom door. 

"yeah." I licked my dry lips, I was feeling a bit nervous as I feel myself get wet, and hotter than I was when we got back-- Sara felt hot too, her face was getting redder, and her goosebumps just won't go away. 

Sara and I walked carefully to the bathroom, and as soon as I finished unzipping her dress, it slipped down and fell to her feet. I then only realized then that she still has her stockings on and I couldn't believe how sexy she looked in it.

"wow. you have no idea how sexy you look in those." I said, trying to step away for a bit to see how Sara looks. I just sighed and shook my head in a bit of disbelief, as Sara rest her hand on her hips, smiling and tilting her head to the side, looking all shy. 

"come back here, come on." Sara said reaching her hand out. "help me out of these." Sara then turned around from me as she try to unclasp her bra-- my pants were also starting to slip so I pulled them down before getting to it. 

I slowly traced Sara's neck with my lips, as I remove her bra and let it down on the floor, and crawled my way down to her breasts, cupping them as I kiss my way to Sara's shoulders as Sara grabbed my hair with both of her hands as she moan to my caress. 

Sara then turned around when she couldn't help herself anymore, grabbing my breasts one more time as she look at me right in the eye with so much fervor. 

"we both did a good job today, didn't we?" Sara asked, still working her hands on my breasts. 

"yeah we did." I said, holding on to the fringe of her stockings. "can I rip this off?" I asked, smiling as she slip her hands towards my waist, then down to my butt, pulling me closer to her as her thigh hit my mound. 

_Jesus.._

"that's cheating." She said, pushing her thighs further in between my legs. "we only strip, not rip." Sara said, almost jokingly. 

"fine" I then pulled the stockings down as quickly as I can, holding Sara by the thighs as I keep myself up. Sara was trying to pull me back up, trying to catch my hips so she can remove my panties, but I would just slap her hands off. 

"come on, that's not fair." Sara sid, looking a bit sad as she figured I'm gonna be on top tonight. For the record, I wish Sara would stop being so controlling and maybe she can learn to have sex with me without having to figure out who gets to fuck who. 

I'm pretty sure it's going to feel much better if we share an orgasm together.

But just as we were about to get our groove on after I removed Sara's stockings, we heard a loud knock from outside the room. 

_Fuck. not now._

"room service!" 

"you ordered anything?" Sara asked. 

_How can I forget that?_

I bit my lip, and smiled as I smile to myself awkwardly. "I'm sorry.. I ordered some wine and late dinner" I smiled at Sara as she take my hands and wrap it around her waist. 

"It's okay.. now go get that, I'll go ahead and take a shower." I smiled at her as I feel like laughing from this bad break. 

I kissed Sara in the forehead, and quickly wore a robe as I walk out to the living room to answer the door and get the order, shaking my head as I laugh at my own stupidity. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_The next morning._

We didn't have sex last night.

I was glad though, that for the first time in years, we only spent the night talking, cuddling, kissing, drinking wine and eating dinner under the dim lights of my hotel room. 

Nothing like those days where we would finish eachother off, and then go right into bed, or in Sara's case, leave me alone in bed as she watch TV or browse on her phone. Tonight was quite different-- actually a whole lot different. Sara was genuinely happy, just being with me for the night; and I was too. 

I could barely sleep through the joy I'm feeling, I was making sure that at some point I wasn't making it up in my head that Sara actually chose to be with me, not because she was on a day away from Stacy, but because she wanted to be with me. Much as I felt sorry about Kate having to spend the night alone, I really couldn't feel bad cause I am lying in this bed with the person I love more than anything else. 

Sometimes it makes me think if I should just break up Kate; but then again, what's gonna happen to me if Sara decides to settle down with Stacy? Is it appropriate that I ask Sara that? or is it already a mutual understanding that we should be get on with our normal lives? will this continue even after we're settled with our respective partners? ugh, my head is starting to hurt with just the thought of it; I just want to be able to wake up one day beside Sara and not having to think of when we'll be like this again. 

"Sara.. Sara wake up.." I said, digging my face into Sara's arm. 

She was really warm, and I love how her scent hasn’t changed from when we were younger-- she smells like home --the scent of clean sheets, mixed with the aroma of coffee (literally Sara's blood and sweat) and that shampoo she's been using for half of our lives-- she was basically the epitome of everything that comforts me and keeps me grounded. 

Sara groaned, and moved her arm over me, pulling me in closer. "Get back to bed." she murmured. I smiled under the sheets, as I rub my face on her chest as I wrap my arm around her too. 

"I can't sleep." I said, looking up at her. 

"what time is it?" she asked, her eyes still closed. 

"it's 8:30" I check my phone and saw no messages from Kate. I wondered if she ever thought that I'm trying to hide something from her or anything-- I'm not sure though if this is a weird thing for her that I'm not texting her, either.

Sara opened her eyes as I put my phone back under my pillow, and tried to reach her phone from the bedside table, leaning over me as she see it on my side of the bed. 

"did Kate text you?" she asked, scrolling on her phone. 

"nope.. why?" I asked her back, resting on my chest, watching her as she sit up. 

"Stacy didn't text me either. something's not right." Sara smiled and shook her head, I couldn't help but laugh at the situation too, I'm sure she's thinking the same. 

"Do you think they went out last night?" 

_yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking._

"I hope so. They really need to let loose." I straightened and sat up, facing Sara.

"and you.. need to loosen these up too.." I said, holding on the zipper of her hoodie, and slowly sliding it down. I wanted to just brush away any thought of Kate and Stacy at this moment, the last thing I wanted to do was think of why they're not even texting us which is what we wanted whenever we're together. 

"good morning.." Sara said, smiling and resting her back on the headboard as I unzip her jacket. 

I open her jacket up, sweeping it to over her shoulders as it expose her thin white tank top, that traced her body perfectly, her breasts bouncing from the lack of support from the jacket. 

"oops..look at them.. they're really happy to see me.." I bit my lip, and carefully pulled down her neckline, popping her breasts out. I sat on the bed, putting my weight on my legs as I bend my knees, and closed in on Sara, giving her a good morning kiss, as my hands travel down to her breasts. 

Sara let out a moan, grabbing my hair and pulling me closer as her tongue slowly caressed mine; sending my head spinning this early in the morning. I sucked on her tongue, and brushed my lips onto hers, leaving no inch of her soft lips untouched as I keep my hands busy, softly rubbing my thumb over her hard nipples. 

_now THAT is a good morning kiss._

I slowly pulled and started tracing Sara's jaw with my kisses, down to her neck, and softly sucking my way down to her chest; Sara threw her head back and yet again let out a moan. 

Sara was in a trance, I look up at her, as she opened her eyes, she looked down on me and smiled, biting her lip as she push herself closer to me. I just smiled as I meet Sara's eyes, and kept my self busy, caressing her nipples with my tongue as I gently squeeze her breasts and drown myself on them. 

To my surprise, and despite me being as gentle as I can be, Sara pushed me away, I opened my eyes, and looked up at her, she looked hurt, and rather scared-- but I don't understand, what did I do to her?

Sara pulled her jacket over her breasts, and crossed her arms as she shake her head-- as her eyes start to glisten from tears, staring towards the door of my hotel bedroom behind me. 

"wow" someone said behind me; I hate how that voice is just sound so darn familiar. 

_Shit._

"someone's behind me is there?" I asked in a low tone; but Sara didn't respond, instead she bowed her head down and covered her face

"what the fuck, TEGAN?!" 

I turned around, slowly as I bit my lip from figuring out to myself that I just heard Stacy call me out. 

"Stacy.. let me explain." Sara said, raising her head, her face flushed from embarrassment.

To my horror, my ears didn't fail me; there was Stacy, standing in front of my bed, her eyes glaring at both of us as an ocean of tears fall to her face. 

Stacy shook her head as she stepped back, "you two are fucking each other behind our backs! what's there to explain Sar?! you're just sick!" Stacy exclaimed, her voice being the only thing resounding in this room. 

Sara was breathing heavily, we were both trembling, in shame and in worry of this going out, I can tell, that Sara is regretting every bit of what we did, right this very minute. 

"Stacy.." Sara called, as she moved away from me, getting off the bed and was about to approach Stacy, but she took another step back, and eventually stormed out of the room, wiping her tears off. 

I stood up and followed Sara and Stacy out of the room, but to Sara's disappointment, Stacy already closed the door back and left. Sara just stood where she stopped, and started sobbing, eventually getting down on her knees as she cry. 

I didn't approach Sara; I don't know what to say to her, I'm panicking right now and I'm trying to find a good way to pacify Stacy, and fix this big problem.

I was about to approach Sara to stop her from crying, but as soon as I touched her shoulder, she jerked and stood up, fixing her top and putting her jacket back on. 

Sara then just left me inside my hotel room, without a word, and on her bare foot as she follow Stacy wearing only her hoodie and boxers. I didn't ask her to stay, to come back and just let Stacy go cause there's just no good excuse out of what Stacy saw us doing. 

I don't understand how Stacy got in; I made sure that the doors were locked from inside, and the only other way she can get in was if she had a spare key-- and Sara was the only other person who has one.

I looked down on the floor, and saw a yellow post it that wasn't there the last time-- I picked it up, and saw our room number written on it-- I don't recognize the handwriting, but I'm sure that this was handed over to Stacy, and what may have given Stacy the idea that we're staying here. 

But how else would Stacy get in? Could Sara have given the spare key? or did Stacy snuck into her stuff and saw it, and suspected Sara was cheating on her? Or did someone purposefully give it to her so she can catch us? 

So many things are just running inside my head, and I don't know what to think of anymore-- someone out there just spilled the beans to Stacy, and we need to know who that is before someone else finds out. 

_we're really fucked._


	5. Chapter 5

**SARA**

_this is not happening, it can't be happening. I'm dreaming, this is all just in my head, wake up, wake up._

My knees are getting weak again, my whole body is trembling in fear and I can't stop my tears from falling. Stacy just caught me and Tegan in a "compromising" position, but I refuse to believe it, there's just no way in this lifetime that she just stormed into Tegan's hotel room just like that.

_23,22,21,20,19,18,17_

This is just excrutiating. I need to get to Stacy and fast-- I need her to forgive me, I need her to hear me out, I can't afford her to leave me like this, and right now she's the only thing that's keeping me sane from all this confusion I have with Tegan. 

Tegan may be my escape, but Stacy is my reality. 

_14,13,12,11,10,9,8_

I can't stop my legs from shaking, and I couldn't help but fall on my knees again-- I just wanted to scream-- I want to kill someone, I want to hurt myself and just punch my way out of this elevator. 

_5 , 4 , 3 , 2 , G_

The elevator door swung open, and I quickly stood up and ran out, bumping everyone waiting on the other side on my way out. I ran over to the main entrance, my feet bearing the small pieces of dirt and the cold adobe flooring, and not minding the many eyes getting heavy on me right now. I wipe my tears that have beed blurring my vision, and wiping my nosedry as I try to stop myself from crying-- I have never felt this afraid in my entire life. 

I roamed my eyes around, and saw Stacy at the concierge; I ran over there, but STacy saw me and she ran away. She was crying too, her face were so red, and her face covered in tears. 

"Stacy!" I called on her, I ran as fast as I could, resisting the cramps on my legs from the cold floor. 

"We're done Sara!" She exclaimed as I reach her and grab her arms. 

"No.. No.. please don't do this." I swore to God I wanted to kneel in front of Stacy and beg her to stay and let me explain; but then again, there's really nothing forgivable with what she just saw me and Tegan doing-- though with a little bit of hope inside me, I was wishing and betting on my life that she would forgive it. 

Stacy shook her head, trying to get my hand off her; "Don't touch me!" Stacy struggled from my tight grip, I pushed myself closer on her, trying to wrap my arms around her big frame, and just stop her from leaving. 

"Stacy please..." I couldn't care less if we're making a scene-- I just humiliated myself in front of one of the most important people in my life, and I ruined everything for us, I almost lost everything at this point, and there's nothing left to lose really. 

I was giving my all, in keeping Stacy from struggling, but my frail body is just not gonna cut it. Stacy pulled away from me, and managed to get away, and that moment that I thought she'd walk away, she stayed there in front of me, waited til I look up, and gave me a really hard slap. 

I felt my head spin, and my cheeks burn from the pain; this is nothing compared to the pain she's feeling right now-- I deserve more than just a slap. 

"I don't want to see you, or Tegan ever again. You're fucking disgusting." Stacy said those words as softly as she could, she still cared that no one would hear what we were talking about-- and at that moment I realized she still cares. I sighed and just held my swollen cheeks, looking at Stacy, trying to get a little bit of sympathy, hoping she'll come around-- but to a great disappointment, Stacy turned her back on me and walked away. 

I stood there at the lobby; enduring heavy glances from strangers as my face and neck throb in pain from Stacy's slap as I watch her walk away from me. Every inch of her distance is like a slash of knife stabbing me in the chest-- I know from the beginning that time will come when Stcay and I will go our own ways when we fall out of love-- but I didn't realize it would be like this. Stacy doesn't deserve half of what I did to her, and for her to feel this disgusted and humiliated-- I can't really blame her. 

With a heavy heart, I turned back to the crowd, looking at them all one by one as I make my way back to the elevator. Every step was harder than I first learned to walk when I was a kid-- it's like my head is telling my legs to just stop walking and succumb to the pain in my calves, curl up and just lie on the lobby floor and cry my eyes out till there's no more tears left. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"any luck?" Tegan stood from the couch as she cross her arms and approach me. 

I shook my head as I wipe my tears and struggle to walk towards the couch like a cripple. "we made a scene at the lobby." 

"Oh my God." Tegan sat back and pulled me close as I throw myself beside her. I held my cheek, I can still feel her hand on my face, it was warm, wollen and I can still feel the sting of her slap. 

"did she hurt you?" tegan asked, trying to remove my hands from my face-- but I moved away.

"don't.. touch me.." I said, quickly avoiding Tegan. 

"wow, don't act like this is my fault, I'm not the one who left the spare key for Stacy to find." Tegan said. 

_Holy shit._

"Excuse me?" I asked her. I can't believe she's blaming me for this. "Are you telling me it's my fault that she caught us?!" 

"well who else's fault is it? Sara you're the only person who has a spare key to my hotel room."

I just shook my head-- I can't believe Tegan is actually blaming me for this-- I ran over to my bag on top of her dresser and scrambled through her stuff. 

I wiped my face dry again, as my other hand throw stuff away from my hand bag.

_no, this can't be happening._

I can't find my key card anywhere. This is almost too impossible, I kept my key card safe in my bag so Stacy won't see it-- there's just no way she could have gone through my stuff cause I never left her alone with my bag long enough for her to turn it upside down.

Tegan slowly approached me, with her arms crossed; eyeing me furiously as she stand beside me while I nervously drop my bag on the floor in annoyance.

"FUCK!" I couldn't feel my hands, and it's like my head is going to explode any minute now; my vision blurred once again, only this time, I wasn't crying-- my eyes are wide open as I feel my chest tighten, sending my head spinning as I feel my stomach take a jolt. 

This is all my fault.

Tegan slowly took my hand as I feel weakened from all this tension-- I was about to succumb to my fatigue, when Tegan held me close, and took me to her arms again. 

"Sara, I'm sorry. We are both to blame for this, but if we let our feelings get in the way, we're are not gonna fix this the right way." Tegan rubbed my back, as I push myself further into her, finally giving up from forcing myself to get away from her. "Please take a minute to calm down." 

"But we need to get to Stacy fast." I slowly pulled my face up and looked at Tegan as I wipe my tears off. "we need to leave now." 

Tegan just sighed, and then nodded; "Alright. I'll go check up on Mom and then we'll leave." 

Tegan then gave me a kiss in the cheek, as she hold my face softly, wiping the rest of my tears off with her thumb-- I met her eye, and rest my forehead against hers. 

"I know I haven't told you this before, and I know I should have, ages ago." I felt another string of goosebumps at the back of my neck; no, no please, don't say it. 

"I love you.. and I'm willing to leave anything and anyone behind, just so we can be finally together." Tegan said, without stuttering-- she didnt even blink. 

I know Tegan wanted to help me on this, but if I let her take over my issues, I might just lose Stacy. I know for a fact that all Tegan's going to do is to just further aggravate the situation, and it's not going to be good for us in any way not to have girlfriends-- I know I might come off harsh on her, but much as I enjoy fucking my sister, it's not always the more viable decision to actually follow her idea of being "together". 

I didn't know what to say, I wish I feel the same way right now-- maybe I"m just not ready-- or maybe I just really love Stacy more. 

Is it always really like this? That whenever I lose someone close to me, I tend to forget that Tegan and I share this bond? Am I just scared? I'm not sure if I'll ever know. 

When Emy and I broke up, I was at my worst. I had this feeling of wanting to be with Tegan instead-- but then she had Lindsey. 

When Lindsey and Tegan broke up, Tegan was at the same limbo while I was with Stacy and now we're back on that track, it's the same pattern all over again, and I'm getting sick of it. 

Tegan didn’t mind me not answering back—she just slowly let go of me and walked towards her closet to pick up a jacket. 

“I’ll be back in a few minutes, just go get dressed.” 

Oh I’ll definitely get dressed when you leave. 

By the moment Tegan closed the hotel room door, I immediately packed my stuff from lst night, and get into a pair of jeans.

I need to do this alone—This is my battle with Stacy, and I have to finish it on my own. I don’t mean for Tegan to feel bad about this situation and I want her out of it, so I’m not dragging her into any of it. Besides, the only thing I want to happen now is to get back together with Stacy, and I’m sure Tegan has something else in mind. 

I wrote out a small note to Tegan on a post it and left it on the TV screen, so she can see it right away. I quickly left the room, left a pair of a shoe between the door sill to prevent it from closing, and then ran to the elevator. 

I’m doing this without knowing what to say to Stacy, and ready to just take every blow of hatred she has for me, all I know is that I want her back, and I will stop at nothing. 

\----------

**TEGAN**

_I’m going to Stacy’s, please don’t come after me._

_I have to do it on my own, sorry._

-S

I crumpled the post it, and threw it on the floor, as I shake my head in disbelief. I don’t get it, I thought she wanted my help, now she wants me out of it. 

I sat on the bed and put out my phone to call Sara, but as I heaqrd the first ring on her phone, I felt a vibration on the bed— I shifted and swept under the pillows and felt something vibrating under there. I pulled it out and there it ws, Sara’s phone. I sighed as I realize I was wasting my time on calling her, canceling the call and just putting them down on the bed. 

I went ahead and called Kate to meet me at the hotel today, before she leaves for NY this afternoon, but She won’t answer her phone, so I left a voicemail and even texted her instead—I hope she didn’t figure out much as Stacy did, or else I’m also up for big trouble. I couldn’t afford another person to know our secret, or worse, have someone spread rumors about me and Sara. I just hope that she left Stacy’s apartment so she won’t have to witness her and Sara fight about us. 

I just feel uneasy and helpless right now, being that I wanted to fix things but I’m stuck in my room, trying to fight the urge to run after Sara, because I don’t want her to feel more upset than she already is. I am at a point where I’m ready to just let go of Kate and be with Sara—but I suddenly felt embarrassed of even offering Sara to run away with me—it was ridiculous, and that could have thrown Sara a step back, but I really don’t know. 

All I could do was just hit my head in distress from thinking of Sara keeping herself away from me because of what I said—I’m a bit scared, but I hope it doesn’t turn her off in any way. 

I walked over to the closet picking up some clothes on my way, and started cleaning some stuff up to keep me busy and to take my mind off Sara for the mean time. 

Maybe I’ll go out tonight if Sara doesn’t come back here.

My mind is just as big of a mess as my room, not to mention Sara leaving some of her clothes in here. I picked up one of her jackets, and as I hang it over my arm on top of the other clothes, the contents of her pocket fell off; coins, cards, a lipbalm and some crumpled bills. I knelt and started picking them up, and notice, just as I was about to pick up the remaining cards, that one of them was a key card to my hotel room. 

I knelt there, looking away as I try to figure out in my head how the heck Stacy would have been able to get in, if there were no other person who had the key—holy shit. 

And then it hit me. 

How could I forget? 

_I wrote the room number on the post it-- and gave it to Kate._


End file.
